The best day of my week: the day the cleaner comes

So after the birth of my second child I had a meltdown. Sitting in my living room surrounded by toys, swings, swaddles, little wads of wrapped-up dirty diapers that I just hadn't quite gotten into the trash, I began to cry.

My husband (who, through a series of work-related circumstances had probably been clinically depressed for months, and who had definitely been clinically unhelpful) asked me what was wrong.

"It's just not supposed to be like this," I told him "it's not supposed to be this hard. The house is a disaster. I'm exhausted. M (our older daughter) has been an unruly ball of energy. And you are hardly interested in your son, nevertheless helping me." He began to deny it but we both knew it was true.

Then and there we decided to hire a housecleaner.  The process itself invigorated me - I put an ad on craigslist, asked friends and interviewed five different housekeepers.  We settled on one and now, every other Wednesday, she descends upon us.

I leave for work like normal.

But when I return the smell of *clean* greets me. The floors are not sticky. No cheerios find the balls of my feet.  The bathtub has no mildew stains. The bathroom sink is clean. Clean.

I feel calm. I feel organized. I feel successful. Almost as if I did it all myself but the best part is I DIDN"T!

I can't recommend this enough to other parents who are trying to keep it together. Whatever you have to do to afford this little luxury - do it. I'm lucky to live in a place where I can get this bi-weekly service for a mere $40 but it would be worth much more. I haven't cleaned a toilet in months. And I love it.

Tips for going back to work after maternity leave

My daughter at 5 months. Hard to leave, I know!

Motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks. When my daughter was born I was absolutely caught off guard by just ow much I loved this little, sleepy thing. I vaguely remember my own mom telling me that I wouldn't understand love until I had a child and just how right she was took my breath away.

Over the three months of my maternity leave I couldn't get enough of my daughter. I held her, nursed her, and played with her every waking moment, and some sleepy ones, too. 

But eventually, the day I was had to return to the office came and in I went. I am pretty sure that I left her with my husband that day, but I weeped as I drove away from the house.  Fears about leaving her ran through my head - would she remember me? Worse yet, would she miss me while I was away? Would she get enough breastmilk while I was gone? Would she sleep well? Would I be able to function  given the minimal sleep I was now getting? 

So I thought I would put up some tips for others looking for help in this transition:

Part I: PLANNING

Childcare: If at all possible, don't have your first day back be the first day with a new caregiver, at a new daycare, etc.  I was incredibly lucky that my mother in law watched my daughter for the first year of her life, and we have a wonderful nanny who started with my son. I trusted both these people and that was very important. 

Do trial runs.  Have your caregiver watch your baby for short periods while you're still on leave. We did this and it gave me confidence that my mother in law knew the routine, my daughter got to know her and helped my mother in law because she could ask questions if they came  up after just a few hours. 

Milk: If you're breastfeeding make sure you have a good supply in the freezer and that you have already introduced the bottle.  We did this at 3 weeks with my daughter but waited much longer with my son. He rejected it at first which made my transition back to work much more nerve wracking.  

Written instructions: I also printed a number of things and posted them on the refrigerator: one was the tips for safe milk handling . This made me feel better that milk would be properly heated and discarded.  Another was the never shake a baby brochure. I had all the confidence in the world that my mother in law and nanny wouldn't do this but the consequences are too severe. And finally I printed out a 'babysitter checklist'. There are lots of these online but the jist is emergency contact numbers, allergies and written instructions for discipline, routine, feeding notes etc.  Especially when we hired a non-family nanny it occurred to me that I would tell her all these things, but people forget, and if it were me I would want it written so I could study it after my employer had left.  I plan to do another post about hiring a nanny because I've done it numerous times and have learned a lot along the way...

Shopping: Don't do it. What I mean is, don't try to do grocery shopping during the week after work. You're not going to want to deal with spending those precious additional minutes away from your baby. I recommend planning an entire week of meals (easy ones!) and shopping on the weekend. 

Meals: Speaking of meals... Post your list on your frige so when you get home you know exactly what the 'plan' was and don't have to improvise. It's amazing how overwhelming it can be to come home and make yet another decision about what to eat.  Too often this is how my family ends up with goldfish crackers for dinner. If you post the plan and just get it going, it's much faster in the long run. Okay, not than goldfish crackers... but close.  

Better yet, bonus points if you can get your partner or caregiver to start the cooking before you get home.  And speaking of partners, I ry to have at least two nights per week where my husband is 'in charge' of dinner. He can make anything he wants (if we haven't posted the plan) and I eat it happily. This happens rarely, in all honesty, but when it does I take it!  It has has also resulted in more than one night of tuna helper... but it's also a night where I'm not cooking. I'll take it. 

Part II: STUFF

There were numerous items that made my transition back to work easier. Here's what I brought:

Breastpump and gadgets: If you plan to continue breastfeeding you'll need a good pump. I have used the Medela pump in style back pack for both my kids and love it.  Easy to use, easy to throw on my back and room on top for all the stuff. 

But a breastpump alone wont cut it.  The other essential is a good pumping bra. This is the one I've used for two years now and I like it because it stays in place and sort of smooshes you down so I actually get more milk in this thing than when I just hold the flanges. I'd also buy a second set of bottles and cooler pack because it's super annoying when you are rushing around trying to get ready for work and realize all your bottles are in the frige, full of milk and need to be emptied into other bottles and washed before you leave for work. 

And the last, and possibly most important, breastfeeding essential is this. A car adapter for your pump.  Sounds crazy, I know, but pumping in your car on the way to work does a few things - it gets the first pump of the day out of the way before you even get to work. So if your schedule is anything like mine, makes it more likely that you'll actually fit it in. Plus, the car is wasted time anyway, so you might as well pump! And third, and this is the real bonus, I'm pretty sure it would be a speeding-ticket-deterant. Imagine the conversation. 

"Hello, officer." 

"Hello, ma'am. May I see your license and-- um. Oh my. what is that?"

"It's my breast pump, officer. I am making milk for my baby." 

He'll want to get outta there as fast as possible.

Pictures: This may not seem like a bug deal but having framed pictured of your baby to bring to work and hang up is a very nice way to transition back to the office. Plus, when you're pumping at your desk it can help with let-down.

Smartphone: I didn't fully realize how nice this was until I mentioned to my nanny that I would love pictures throughout the day. She generally sends me two photos per day, at least, and this completely makes my day. It's so reassuring to see my happy, healthy kids smiling back to me from the park, museum, etc. 

Part III: HEADSPACE.
Your baby will not forget you. She will not bond more strongly with her care provider than she is bonded to you. When she hits the stage of separation anxiety, it will be for you.  And then again, when she goes through it again as a toddler and can cry "NO! Don't leave, Mommy!" it will still break your heart, but most likely she will be just fine. Likely, she will bond with her grandmother, or caregiver, and be a pretty independent, self-assured kid. I like to tell myself that my daughter is more independent because she was lucky enough to have secure, kind adults around her even when I was not.  Good, trustworthy caregivers are important to make both of you thrive. 

I work. And I have two kids.

Unremarkable, I know, but in American culture today that is an increasingly common, yet difficult, thing.  I am starting this blog in response to a conversation with a friend who just returned to work after being home with her twins for three years. She is one of the most intelligent, capable, together people I know and yet today she was totally floored by the reality of doing both - work and kids.

And I totally get it. Throughout the conversation I heard many of the same sentiments that went through my head when I first returned to work three months after giving birth to each child.  Different experiences - my kids were younger and more vulnerable so emotionally I was raw inside when I left for the office. But I had been gone less time, so didn't have to play catch up with my colleagues like my friend did.

I know that by starting this blog I'm jumping into the pool with the other 'mommy-bloggers', of whom there seem to be so many. And they're all so crafty. And neat. And fantastic at photographing their kids.  However, I think that the greater the diversity of 'mom' voices out here, the better. Half the time I read mommy-blogs I leave feeling like an inadequate, flabby, fashion-less, messy-house-dwelling sub-par mom whose kids do, sometimes, eat at MacDonalds. I'd like to be a voice for moms who love their kids, but also love their jobs. Or maybe they don't. But for some reason, economic, the need for health insurance, they are doing both - work and kids.

Let's do this thing.